Final Fantasy IV - The Effed-Up Edition
by Archangel Arcadia
Summary: Was it ever your dream to see Final Fantasy IV's story saved in the most retarded way possible? Dream no more for this is a dream come true. Presenting the Final Fantasy IV crew with twisted personas guaranteed to give you a great time.
1. Cecil's Life Then

Once upon a time, in an old classic Super NES game, there was a Dark Knight named Cecil, who was the only sensible person, a White Mage named Rosa, who was addicted as drugs to that knight and a Dragoon named Kain, whose mind was composed of nothing but perverted content. They lived in a kingdom called Baron, where they ocassionally eff around, causing the poor king's nerves to pop. One day, the king had ordered the Dragoon and Dark Knight to harvest the Crystals from their rightful places. Cecil tried to ask why but the king said reportedly:

"Goddamit you're the Main Character, you do it!"

At those words, the dumbass duo left to fulfill their mission. Rosa, however, was left behind setting up traps on Cecil's room.

[At the airship]

"Da-dadadadadadadadada-dadadadadadadadadada-"

"Will you stop that Kain! It's getting annoying!" Cecil yelled at his Dragoon friend before elbowing him in the stomach. "The sound of you singing makes Justin-goddamn-Bieber sound like Diva from Blood Plus!" the Dragoon keeled over and gurgled, "But the Red Wings' theme is great. I mean come on, it's YOUR theme song, not mine." Cecil ignored his idiot friend and focused on the flight.

Soon the ship was able to land on Mysidia, where their final crystal awaits. The village elder saw the airship and called two twin mages. "You two, please go back to your room. It's too dangerous here." the elderly elder said. The male twin cocked an eyebrow before giving a rude reply. "Whatcha say grampy? Mah sistah and I can whoop those Gilgamesh-wannabes' asses! You stay in yo seat and watch us bust some effin' skulls, dawg!"

At this the village elder whipped out a belt and gave the foulmouthed spellcaster an imma-whoop-yo-ass glare. "What kind of moron taught you how to talk back like that! Once I find him I will whoop his ass before Zeromus gets his hands on him!" the male mage sweatdropped and replied. "Uhh... YOU taught me how to rap..."

"Ohh..." the elder's eyes widened. "Just go to your rooms and rap 'till ya drop." he sent them away. The two mages skedaddled back to their quarters just in time before Cecil and Kain came in. "HIYAAH!" Kain stabbed the door repeatedly and kicked it open. Cecil sighed in frustration and remarked. "It was open the whole time." the idiotic Dragoon smiled cheesily and returned. "But it's much cooler that way." Cecil then gave him a glare before making his own reply.

"You know what Kain!? You are right, it is cooler that way."

"Eh-erm!" the elder coughed loudly, making Kain wince. "Ugh, oldster, you better not have Swine Flu or something." Cecil ignored him and cut to the main part. "Where is the Crystal, elder? I am here to take it."

"If I refuse?" the old man cocked an eyebrow.

"I- uhh... I'll cry." blurted Cecil, running out of words. Kain whispered to him. "You have a sword. Use it." the knight whispered back to his friend. "Nonsense, Kain. I can handle this." he then returned to the elder. "If you refuse... I- will remove you from the main storyline!"

"Because... why?"

"I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER!" at those words, the elder flinched before quietly leading Cecil and Kain to the Crystal Chamber. Kain just looked at his friend with awe in his eyes. Inside, Cecil immediately grabbed the crystal and stuffed it in a bag, which obviously didn't budge because of the other three crystals. "Goddamit, get in you piece of shit... there." he then turned around and left the place. "Farewell elder. And tell all your white and black mages that they'll make it in the next Final Fantasy game..." Kain called before his voice faded.

At the airship, Cecil was looking at the crystals with a bit of sorrow. He knew it was his king's orders but he took the shiny minerals by infiltrating cities Metal Gear Solid style, killing innocent villagers, reducing them as extras and making them listen to the Nyan Cat song for 5 hours straight. Kain walked up to Cecil and tried to comfort him. "Relax Cecil. I can hook you up some hos once we get back-"

"What!?" exclaimed Cecil.

Hey, I said he **TRIED** to comfort him.

"Err, never mind. Ooh look there's Rosa!" Kain pointed to the Cecil-obsessed woman. Cecil snapped at this and hid in a cardboard box. He tickmarked seeing Solid Snake hiding in the box.

"Hey, is the Metal Gear around he-" Cecil cut him off and threw the Black Ops infiltrator out the ship and hid in the box.

"Kain, hide me. I can't let her see me." his lance-wielding buddy then threw out the box into the garbage can. Soon Rosa ran to Kain and asked while holding a couple of 'toys'. "Kain, have you seen Cecil? We still have 48 more hours to make love." she narrowed.

Kain's eyes grew at this. "Can I be a substitute?"

"No." Rosa simply denied.

"Aww." Kain sighed and shook his head. "Sorry but Cecil already ran off to the castle 2 seconds ago." he lied. Rosa then gave him a Medusa glare before running back to the castle. Cecil then asked. "Is she gone?" he peeked his head out the box before freeing himself from the garbage pile. Kain sighed and carried the crystal bag. "Hey, we should get these bitches back to the king." soon the knight followed.

Inside the king's room, the ruler was reading some inviting-looking magazine before being cut off by Cecil. "Your majesty I- GOOD LORD, what are you reading?" he exclaimed. Immediately the pervert king threw the magazine out the window (_Kain: Ow! Godda- hey a porno mag! Sweet!_) and answered. "Aak, sorry. Anyway eh-erm, good job Cecil. Now hand me over those crystals please." he requested before drinking a chalice full of chocolate. Cecil obeyed him and handed over the bag before striking a question.

"Your majesty... may I ask you something?"

"Sure, Cecil. Ask away." the ruler nodded.

"... What's a tittyfuck?"

Immediately the king spat out his drink out his nose and yelled at Cecil. "You insolent freak! How dare you ask me those manic things!?" Cecil frowned at this and asked again. "But sire, Kain told me it was entertaining but I don't know what it means-"

"OOOUUUT!" the king yelled. The curious knight turned around to leave before he was stopped by the king and was handed over an ominous-looking ring. "Oh wait, take this ring to the Mist village... and OOOUUUT!"

Rosa then arrived to Cecil's rescue. "Cecil... a tittyfuck is..." she whispered the meaning. As a few seconds came, Cecil's face grew redder and redder until his nose leaked of blood. He then pushed Rosa away and walked away.

As the Dark Knight was walking to his room, he was approached by Kain. "Cecil how did it-"

Cecil drove his right boot onto the perverted Dragoon's 'lance'. Kain then fell down and gurgled in pain. The humiliated warrior just walked back to his room, took off his armor and headed to bed. His mind was clouded with a lot of things: the king's orders, the people he hurt, the _tittyfuck _question. Rosa then peeked her head in the door and called. "Are you still awake?"

"No. I'm sleep-talking. In fact, I'm talking to you in my dreams." he answered irritatedly.

"Oh, I'll just BJ you then-"

"I'm awake you stupid bitch! Sheesh!" Cecil jerked back up and roared. He then stopped seeing Rosa's face crumple into a frown. "Look I'm sorry Rosa. It's just, I had a day." the slutty cleric sat next to him. "Want some sex?"

"No."

"Ass?"

"No."

"A BJ?"

"No."

"Okay just fondle my-"

"Look Rosa, I'm tired and annoyed. Please just leave me." Cecil went to bed and turned away rom her. Rosa stood up and monologued to him. "Cecil I know you. It's not like you to not run away from me. It doesn't turn me on. The Cecil I knew was brave, strong, selfless and has a tattoo up his ass-" at this he turned around and glared at her. "You peeked on my ass?" she realized it was Run-The-Hell-Away time. "Eep! Teleport!" she then disappeared, leaving Cecil to sleep soundly.

"Why are my allies such idiots?"


	2. Misty Morning

_Previously on Final Fantasy IV Effed Up!_

_"I'm the Main Character!"_

_"Your majesty, what's a tittyfuck?"_

_"The Cecil I knew was brave, courageous and had a tattoo up his ass..."_

Okay back to the show...

The very next day, the sun rose up, the Chocobos were cock-a-doodle-doing and our Dark Knight protagonist awaits another morning. The morning where he sets off his mission with Kain. He felt a warm smooth feeling around his body followed by the smell of Cura with a taste of-

Wait... Cura?

Cecil immediately snaps his eyes open and saw who else but Rosa, on top of riding him up and down like the Ceciphile she is. The pissed off Dark Knight's eyes twitched at the scene, took in some air and said to her calmly: "Rosa, what did I tell you about sneaking into my room?" the White Mage placed a finger in her temple and thought.

"That it's sneaky and sexy?"

"No, the other one."

"That it turns you on?"

"The other OTHER one."

"That three strikes and you'll use Darkness on me?"

"Yes." Cecil agreed. "And you do realize this is the THIRD strike." he added to his statement. Rosa slid out from his member and started inching near the window.

"DARKNESS!"

_BOOOOOM!_

In Kain's room, the perverted Dragoon snapped up in time with the occuring explosion. After the leap, he flipped back on his feet and whipped out his spear. "Kids Next Door! Battle Stations!"

The whole soldier militia looked at him awkwardly.

"Move or I'll shove this lance up your anal passage."

Immediately they all went to the source of the explosion and saw Rosa laying on the ground, her face burnt. "G-g-gawd he turns me on..." she mumbled. Kain looked at his pissed off pal with a fearful face. Cecil ignored him and went downstairs to prepare for departure. Kain hauled Rosa's body to her room but not without him trying to grope her, which resulted to half Cecil's quarters blasted to ruins.

[MUSIC: Final Fantasy IV - Prologue Theme - PSP Version]

_And so the vitriolic knight and the perverted dragoon ventured to their journey..._

_However Cecil was at doubt. Not because of the King's intentions for the Crystals..._

_But mostly for the question:_

_"Why are my allies such dumb shits?"_

_What he doesn't know... is that sooner or later, a whole squad of idiotic dipshits will join..._

_His quest for whatever the plot is..._

_Final Fantasy IV Effed Up_

Meanwhile at the Overworld...

"Hmmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm... duuduuduuduuduuuunduuuun..." Kain was humming the Overworld theme as they ventured to the Mist Cave. Cecil was showing signs of irritation to his partner's humming. Soon he decided to elbow the Dragoon for his annoyingness. "Ow, Cecil what was that for?" he winced in pain. "Will you stop humming! It's getting distracting here. We might end up in a godforsaken ba-"

_CHEESY SPECIAL EFFECTS!_

"-ttle." he finished. Soon a row of Goblins and a Larva was before the two. Kain chuckled at this. "Hahahaha! Come on! At least TRY to be difficult!"

_BADASS GLASS SHATTER SPECIAL EFFECTS!_

_Wild Pringer X Lv.9999 appeared-_

"On second thought... I'll stick to the worms and midgets." Kain shoved the robotic penguin out of the screen and readied his spear. Cecil armed himself with his Deathbringer. The larva made a crawl towards them... very slowly...

"Uhh..." Kain sweatdropped.

"Umm..." Cecil sighed and attacked the Goblins instead. One of them lunged at Kain, daggers ready until Kain reared up his boot and shoved it up the poor creature's balls. The Goblin keeled over and crawled away to safety.

_Goblin has fled..._

"Pfft. Wuss." Cecil was giving the second Goblin a noogie, a Wet Willy and an atomic, nuclear wedgie. Soon Cecil let it go and chucked it at the nearest garbage can.

"Whew. Our first battle and we already look like psychotic murderers... not like Yuno Gasai though." Cecil blurted out. Kain just plainly shivered at that statement. "You know, we're just supposed to DEFEAT them, not horribly gut them alive!" he scolded his pissed off pal. Cecil, once again, ignored him and walked to the entrance of the Mist Cave.

He soon covered his nose and winced. "Ugh! It smells like piss here!" he gagged. Kain yelled at his partner. "HEY! That's my body spray you jackass! It makes them ladies swarm on me." he showed off. Cecil looked at him and said. "More like makes the ladies die in stench." Kain grumbled at his friend's statement and started to walk in the cavern. Soon the mist became so thick they could barely see their own bodies. "Oi, Cecil where are you?" Kain waved his hands back and forth to ward off the mist. After one step Kain then saw Cecil out of the mist's range. "Whoo. Found you." he sighed.

Cecil just looked at him with awe. "Kain... how are you floating?"

"Floating...?" Kain then looked down his feet and discovered he was standing above nothing. "Oh son of a-

**BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!"**

"Kain!" Cecil called before running towards an elevator(?) in order to descend.

Meanwhile with Rosa...

"Ooh god yes! Yes _Cecil _YEEES!" Rosa moaned as she was blindfolded and was being butt-pounded by a soldier she hired as a-

Umm... f-forget I wrote such a thing. Moving on with Kain...

"Oh god, it _does _smell like shit here. I have got to get another body spray." he pinched his nose in disgust before looking at his surroundings. "Hello? Cecil? Anyone?" he called out but no response was heard.

_Grrrrr..._

"W-who's there? Rosa? Was that you?" Kain pointed his lance in unison. Out of the dark, glowing red eyes illuminated. "Shit." the moron Dragoon chirped in fear... until the creature in question came out, revealing to be a Chocobo sleeping in the cave. "Whew. Close call, I was almost afraid that was a-" as he turned his back and walked, he bumped into a large, growling figure. He sloooowly looked up and saw...

**"MONSTEEEER!"**

"T-that was Kain!" Cecil answered from the elevator. "He's in danger- Nah, that's usual for him."


End file.
